Good To Be Alive

Graduate Applications:  $35 a piece ($70)
GRE registrations:  $160 a piece ($320)
Letter of Recommendation postage:  $21.40
Post cards for vocabulary flash cards:  $0.00 (stolen from office)
Transcripts:  $5 a piece ($10)

Realizing the GRE is going to kick your ass while at the same time opening a ginormous credit card bill for said GRE, not exactly priceless.  More on the lines of $421.40 of deficit spending and regret.

I want to go to St. Louis, Tuscaloosa, and Mellow Mushroom.  I want to buy Valentine's cards, lots of pseudophedrine (before my dumb ass state makes it illegal), and new sandals.  And I desparately need a hair cut.

I can afford precisely none of that for the time being, but at least having absolutely no alternative is good motivation for work (and LJ bitching).

OH OH OH- I do have like $5 left on an iTunes giftcard.  Rec me some songs.  Quirky, punky, loud, irreverant, fandom driven, soothing, happy, sad, new loves, old flames songs.  And what is up with songs now being $1.29 instead of .99?  I dl'd 6 songs yesterday and five of them were $1.29.  Fucking Fall Out Boy?  $1.29?  (Don't judge me on the FOB, I like that one song).

I have done absolutely NO work this morning.  None.  Nada.  I have, however, spent the last 3.5 hours looking for a masters degree.  I live in a university town.  Said university is cheap.  However, said university (A) does not offer the degree I want (B) does not offer the schedule I want.  Course after course is advertised as "convenient for working professionals."  And indeed, 85% of the class is online.  However, that other 15% is Thursday and Friday classes once a month per class.  I cannot leave work 1-2 Thursdays and Fridays a month.  First of all, I don't earn that much vacation time.  Second of all, trial, deadlines, depositions, other staffers wanting off, hello.

So I am back to looking at the University of Phoenix (where my darling husband got his bachelors).  They offer 100% online as in 100% online.  No weekday classes.  But- they are twice, if not three times as expensive as my local stick and brick college.

Do I stay with the stick and brick college with cheaper tuition, get a degree in something that doesn't *exactly* have anything to do with my life (really, it's just for the sake of having a masters), and just squeeze the scheduling in to night classes for however long that takes me

OR

Do I enroll in Phoenix ( which has a few different programs that actually apply to my life) and take out $30-40,000 in student loans?  And just hope that I can afford those payments in 3 years?

I've been quite rank about my job lately.  No raise, shit benefits, I work so hard, blah blah blah.  And today we hired a new staffer who has my same credentials (minus the professional certification), but still.  Bachelors degrees in my field are rare.  And as soon as I heard about her I *ached* to know how much they started her at, indignantly self righteous that it is more than what I make.  And my stomach stays in knots.

Then I click on the internet for a little LJ distraction and read on yahoo that tens of thousands are feared dead.  Tens of thousands. 

My stomach unravels in utter defeat.

I can't even wrap my brain around it.  Tens of thousands dead in a day.  Hurricane Katrina (using it as a comparison as it was the worst natural disaster to hit the states) took 119 souls from Mississippi and I think about 1100 from south Louisiana. 

But on a Tuesday 10,000+ dead in an afternoon.  My prayers don't make it past "Dear God".  I don't even know what to say.

Sat through a portion of an absolutely AGONIZING interview with our state Senators.  It was painful.  Mississppi- poorest state in the nation, now with new and improved poverty to the tune of a $700,000 MILLION deficit.  The state senators in the interview this morning were a really young white republican and a middle aged black democrat.  The young republican smirked the entire time he talked about budget cuts.  Budget cuts = layoffs you smug shit.  Maybe you should school your fucking mouth before you forecast a poverty plunge for your constituents. 

The middle aged black democrat was less offensive but about as useful as owl shit on a pump handle.  They were answering questions from the news channel's blog and a young man who had graduated with a teaching degree had been unable to find a job because of the budget cuts to education.  He asked if there was any hope of him finding a job this year (ie, were they going to keep cutting the education budget).  The senator said both that they were and that they weren't, and that bills may or may not be passed and certainly that young man would have just as much of a chance in the coming year to find a job as he had had in the past, so no need to worry.  Ahem.  Except his chance of finding a job was zero, since he had not been able to find one, since no one was hiring teachers, so um, yeah.  I think that is cause to worry.  Asshole.

But that's life in Mississippi.  I'm the most qualified non-attorney in my building (and I'm fairly certain that I am more qualified than one of the dipshit associate attorneys we just hired), but I make less now than I did four years ago and we are not getting raises this year. 

I'm tired of making $10,000 LESS per year than the average in my field just because I live in MS.  I'm tired of being surrounded by people who don't even know what punk rock is and would only turn their noses up at it if they were introduced to it.  I'm tired of white folks openly hating black folks and black folks hating white folks, but it's not considered hate because they're black and cannot help it.

I'm tired of every single retail item being marketed with some form of camouflage or John Deere or stars and bars (that's the Confederate Flag to all you non-rednecks out there).

I'm tired of the height of culture being a new dish at the Olive Garden.

Mississippi is dying.  It's a sinking ship.  It's not ever going to get better.  And it is with a sizeable knot of dread settling in my chest that I think about the years I have left here before I can escape.  Will I have to go through bankruptcy?  Will I finally have to abandon the dream of having children?  Will I be able to make it out of here?

This is not the first time that I have marked off days and weeks and months and thought of a section of life as a prison sentence.  But by God I'm going to bust my ass so it will be the last.  2010 may be nothing but sweat and tears, but this time next year, I am determined to be that much closer to the life I want.

Hope everyone had a pleasant break and is not too hungover on leftovers. Husband and I went to New Orleans to be with his folks and made it back with gumbo which is ALWAYS better the next day. We spent Black Friday in the quarter at the Isle paying for our bartender's second boat. It was nice. Although, I don't think I will be mixing black russians and star bucks coffee any more *blerp*

Saw Ninja Assassin last night. The cinematography did an astounding job camoflaging the non-martial artists. It was WONDERFULLY bloody and violent. Both the good guys and the bad guys got to take turns kicking ass, and I think it wins "Blood Spray of the Year" (although, 2009 has been pretty light on good blood spray movies).

But I am in a fight with Rain now because he was all deep voiced and muscley and deep, sensitive Takeshi Kaneshiro eyes. Rain and Gackt need to <s>date quite publicly</s> cut an album togther.

Now. Do I start working on all this discovery in earnest? Google image Rain? Work on the 2 Christmas fics I need to write? Or shop per the tradition of Cyber Monday? If I pace myself, I can do it all.

Doorbell rang at 7:45 this morning.  That unexpected interruption is always a little chilling.  Who needs me before business hours on a Thursday morning?  It was my mom, telling me she was parking in my driveway so the movers would have access to her garage so they could pack up all my brother's belongings.

We just stood there and looked at each other.  He's moving ten hours away.

I...don't know how I feel about that.  And my mom definitely doesn't know how she feels about that, which is odd, because the woman is a rock.

When we were kids, the three of us played together every day.  Here's to the sunny slopes, of long ago.

All of the sudden, the commerce gates have opened!  It's like I am discovering Amazon for the first time.  I have been updating my wishlist every night.  It is SO incredibly therapeutic just to browse and dream and wish.  *coff* my wish list it TOTALLY UPDATED *coff*

I've only ever looked for book, movies, or games on Amazon.  I know, right?  This week, I've discovered you can shop for jewlery.  OMG sparklies.  Dude.  Page after page after page of jade and mother-of-pearl baubles and things.  And where yesterday, while I was all hair pulling and jumping about fretting over some hard to shop for Christmas dearies, today?  Oh I am so all over that.

What do you all like from Amazon?  What perks, what features?  Link me to your wishlist and I just might buy something :-3

Nothing at all is wrong, but this Monday is just working my nerves!  The way I was running late for work (totally my fault), that my darling love was feeling bad (we've both been sick), that my dog piddled on the floor by my bad (I slapped his ass good for that one).  Just little things that amount to nothing THAT OMG GRUMPED ME OUT.

Well, then there is this:  times are really tight right now (nothing new there) and I am tired of scraping up and moving savings and robbing Peter to pay Paul for things like a hair cut or bags of Halloween candy.  So, my local news station promotes local businesses by offering 2 for 1 gift certificates- in the instant case, the 2 for 1 deal was for the local full service car wash/detail shop/ quick lube.  Normally a full service car wash and an oil change costs about $45.  They were selling oil change gift cards that included a free car wash, 2 for the price of 1 for $35.  So my and darling love can both take our rides in for maintenance and istead of paying $90, pay only $35.

Except, the online promotional would not accept my debit card (I have not updated my address information from when I moved), so I put it on a credit card (which I did not want to do because you can't get out of debt by using credit cards...)  I just checked my bank online...$35 was debited from my account.  So during the transaction, I get the declined message due to conflicting information.....then they went ahead and charged my card anyway.  And presumably my credit card.

The last time I went to Avon.com, they doubled charged my debit card due to their server malfunction.  The last time I went to zappos.com, I was also double charged due to a server glitch.  (And both of those instances were either gifts or I was trying to help a sista out).

I am making a good faith effort to save money AND help out family and friends and I keep getting doubled charged.  WTF.  I want to be responsible with my money, not just toss it out the window.  Stupid shit like this makes me grumpy.  *crosses arms and glares*

On the other hand, if 4 gift cards show up instead of two, well, that's just one more unexpected Christmas gift I can tuck away for someone.

ETA:  There is Sephiroth/Cloud smut on my flist.  Alas, I feel the rampaging tide of financial woe receding. Ahhhhhhhh.

I've got my wee puppeh and I've got some red wine and I am working on new halloweenverse......aaaaaaand I get lost in peripheral characters.  OMG aka, move on to describing Ewan's riding clothes.  Spfft.

Also, it was novel at first, but now when SEC teams play the Imperial March at games....it's just kinda...needless.  Especially when they play it AFTER their team just got pushed back and are lining up.  Play it during a punt return or otherwise when the team is marching down the field.

*sigh*  John Williams.  Wasted on a false start.  Alas.

Coffee and my papers, have my own conversations
Sidewalks and pigeons and my window reflection-

When I work for David, I smoke.

Dear old Jack just loaded me up with some work, and I went outside to smoke and it was gross.  Sunlight in the pinetrees and when I came back in a new file assignment sheet laying in my chair.

Wish I could work for that old man all the time, it's like working for grandpa.  Contentment at work is so nice.  I'm not going to feel guilty even though the back of my mind is ringing out that I should ax the angst and choose to be content all the time.  The back of my mind is right.

But right now, it's sunny.  I have good work to do.  I have a good boss to please, much to be thankful for.  Call it positive energy, call it what it is, a blessing from the Lord, sometimes it's good to just be a live human being free on the earth. 

I don't feel that way that often, grinding away in a lawfirm, but this is my chose profession, and yeah.  I have much to be thankful for.

^_^

Driving to work this morning (in the foggy cold HURRAY) and was quite randomly thinking about racism being alive and well in the South (I live in the deep South).  But my thoughts were trailing along the lines of while racism is thriving, I could think of dozens upon dozens of scenarios I had witnessed where, while race was present, it was much more a mutually accepted and understood difference.  I've seen a black man and a good ole boy have a nice chat in the Wal Mart parking lot while the black man's daughter asked to pet the good ole boy's huntin' dog in the back of his truck.  It was a kind moment between strangers brought on by the natural love for children (and dogs) that transcended race.  I've seen elderly (pre-civil rights generation) white folks invite black laborers into their homes for a cold coke just because its damn hot down here in August and Southern people love their tea time.  I've seen wealthy elitest lawyers (white) sit on the front porch of a trailer belonging to their black clients and help shell pecans while they sit and "visit".  And I was thinking, maybe while racism is alive and well, there is a greater sense of community in the South that waters down the ferocity of the hate.  Maybe?

And then I see this shit.  http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091016/ap_on_re_us/us_interracial_rebuff

First of all, I've been to Tangipahoa Parish and I can tell you that more of its citizens than not are of mixed and/or multiple ethnicities.  Second of all, according to LA law, I am in a interracial marriage (I'm not sure Mississippi law, where we were married is quite the same, but my darling husband is from LA) and if some shmoe tried to tell me that I could not marry my love because interracial marriages "don't last"  it would have been Sherman's March to the sea all over again.  I just cannot believe that shit.  Marriages don't last because people are selfish assholes, not because of race.  And I DARE SOMEONE TO LOOK TWICE AT MY LITTLE TINTED BABIES.   OMG.  I just effing dare someone to say my babies will have some kind of negative impact because I am one thing and my husband is something else.  You'll be able to see the mushroom cloud.  That's all I can say.

I've been spending MONTHS preparing for the biggest legal ass kicking of my career.  And OH how we out lawyered the opposition at every turn!  The Trial of the Century was at the end of this month.  Twas going to be a blood bath.

But it settled.

*deflates*

Now I'm all dressed up with no place to go.  And I am having trouble not thinking about trial strategy 24/7.  I have 300 other cases to work on, but they're all simple and of the "just fucking pay the guy" ilk.

How e're, there was a new chap of the most awesome of all awesome tent!fic waiting for me this morning.  I literally shoo'd my coworkers from my office under the guise that I had some important The Case Has Settled emails to send out.  And I had the fic pulled up before they had even cleared the room.

*Sigh*  now what?

Why should I tarry,
he asked with a tranquil eye.
In destinies sad or merry,
true men can but try.

Just a little snippet that keeps me sane and a means of procrastination while I burn away what is hopefully the last hour of my day.  There are at least two people on my wee flist who ought to know the quote origin.

I don't think there is anything that makes me more defensive than filling out applications for health insurance.  I just completed three.  (And yes, my job does provide coverage, but insurance companies are so wicked, our current coverage has just been terminated, so we all have to apply with other companies).

It raises my hackles enough that you have to describe in detail your height, weight, medical history down to a sneeze for the last 24 months...but they also ask ALL of that information about my spouse.  I don't cover my husband.  His job gives him insurance, my job gives me mine.  That doesn't matter though, the insurance companies want his vital statistics just cause. RAWR GIT AWAY FRUM MAH HUZBIN!

So on the one hand, my attitude is "I weigh 100 pounds and have never seen the inside of a hospital."  On the other hand, my job is all about truth AND my chosen field just happens to be insurance defense.  So I get why they are making with the inquisition. 

I met my applications somewhere in the middle.  Glossed over enough to appear absurdly healthy (which I actually am comparatively speaking), but the omissions, should they be questioned, can be defended as benign and/or erring on the side of caution in the face of an application that was overly broad, vague, and ambiguously worded.

In other news:  got a bad case of the grumps.  Some very minor things are afoot, that are quite trivial, but still making me growly.  And that in turn is making me want to write fic.  Mean, vulnerable, realistic, everyone has shit days fic, but I can't decide on a pairing.  And I actually have such a backlog of Sephiroth/Cloud, I am wondering if I should actually post it to a comm.

I wish Dexter was more slashable.  Or at least that he would hurry up and evolve into a personality, because it is impossible to eroticize Mr. Existentialism. (unless you're Wong Kar Wai).  Ohhhhhhh if only Dexter had been played by Takeshi Kaneshiro.  That would change everything.

Also, Doaks?  I'm trying to like you.  I really am.

Can everyone see me?  You ought to be able to, because I am now officially the fattest person in America.  Right now, I feel like if I lean a little bit, I can throw the hold world off its axis and bring on a new ice age.  It was one of those morning where I wore the suit I interviewed for this job in and OMG had to lay down to get the pants done, then the pearl necklace I was layering around my neck broke (costume jewelry, no big loss) but I had pearl beads on the floor, in the bed, in my bra, in my shoe.  And then I made myself late by standing in front of the mirror going "do all four buttons buttoned make me look fat?  If I button just two buttons it could be like a shabby chic thing.  No- it looks like I can't button all four buttons.  Unbuttoned not an option.  Top three buttons and maybe tear the bottom button off..."  Like anyone gives a flying damn how many vest buttons I go for!  But on the other hand, girls, YOU KNOW we look at shit like that.  Oh that's a cute outfit....wow- why'd she do her vest like that???

In other news, Citi Bank is raising their interest rates to 37%.  I think.  They sent out this little flyer saying that "in these challenging economic times" they would be adjusting their rates to the prime APR, which at the time was something like 12.99% *plus* 29.99%.  So I guess if you miss a payment, your defaulted interest rate goes up to death of a family member or something. 

So kids, how do y'all make it through the day?  Oh right- high volume gay porm trafficing. 

To anyone considering work in the private sector, be prepared to check your personality and contentment at the door.  And as part of your salary for same, be prepared for the instance in which your superiors will make decisions adverse to your well being and then hold a meeting with you or with all staff, impart those decisions to you, and then gloss over the fact that your happiness is important.  That they don't want this to just be an enviornment of misery and work, but that you should come in with a smile.  My dears, since you have sacrificed that which is yourself, do not roll your eyes, do not participate in office gossip and bitch sessions.  Simply inform your superiors that happiness clearly has nothing to do with it, so let's dispense with the buzz words and morale boosters.  Work is about making your boss money and you will feel better and gain their respect when you look them square in the face and tell them you know the score so all crap can be cut forthwith.  And if they want to make you happy, future employees?  Tell them to pay you and leave you alone. 

That is all there is to the private sector.  Happiness and satisfaction, you must pursue these away from your work environment.

Those of you not in the private sector-  you may avoid all of the above and you get better benefits.  Next to us you look happy and smart.

Why yes- I am on hour 12 of my work day and totally fucking off right now because if I have to type "individual defendants" one more damn time...

It occurs to me that every trial that Bill went on that I went with him, we won. Every trial that Jack has taken me on, we've won. Yesterday, Jack did not take me to trial (he took the boy who is IN LAWSCHOOL and had never been in a courthouse before). And he LOST.

*glances at fabulous cleavage*

*glances at law clerk*

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Me and the girls, providing titillating defense verdicts since 2001.

So- I broke my ankle Monday. At my office. um OUCH!. I've never broken a bone before and I had NO IDEA it would hurt like it does. Also? apparently when you break a bone, it sends your body into shock. I almost threw up and I did pass out. Then came to, and calmly emailed all my bosses, told them what happened and went back to my job until my mom could come get me to take me to the ER. (and, not to toot my own horn, but I was back in the office the next morning, gimping around on crutches).

So far this has cost me $200, because I *have* insurance, but my deductible is SO HIGH, I may as well not have insurance. I pay everything out of pocket anyway.

So. Not the best week ever. Broke ankle. Broke bank account. And it is hotter than 8 bitches on a bitch boat.

*holds bobo out for flist to give kissies*